Today marked the one year anniversary of my mother's death. It was unquestionably the most difficult day in my life. I had returned to my childhood home a year and 8 months earlier, I thought primarily to take care of my step father but he wound up in the hospital with an intestinal blockage weeks before I was able to make the transition from my 14-year residence in Los Angeles and he never came back home. Before that I was commuting here, about a 25 mile trek each way, to aid in his recovery from hip surgery. This was A.M. to afternoon and anywhere from 4-8 hours a day. It became apparent quickly that making the move was the best thing to do, mom was going to need help too and nothing was going to get easier.
Mom was doing okay for the most part into her 90th birthday, July 19, 2012 but things didn't look too good as the year was coming to a close. One year ago on this day I opened her bedroom curtains in the morning, told her about the first poppies that had bloomed in the yard, held her hand, stroked her arm and head and told her how much I loved her. I continued to talk to her about things that were nice, pretty and good. Now and again I would leave the room to cry and then gather my composure to go back inside and comfort her as best I could. I told her too about her resting place which was near my father who was killed in an automobile accident in 1961 and supported her beliefs for what was ahead because she deserved that. On some level I feel she understood what was being said. When I left the room to let the hospice nurse inside I told her I'd be right back and ended with I love you. She passed away when I left the room. I miss you mom.
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| Elsa, 1922 |
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| Elsa early 20's |
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| Mom and Dad, mid-1940s, at Central Park, NY |
I was told by many people that I would be "rewarded" for coming home and taking care of my mom and this house but I never really believed that. I don't believe in gifts from God. I don't believe in God and I'm happy with my beliefs. However, a month ago someone came into my life and has changed everything for the best in a way I would never have imagined. I truly feel she's a gift and that it was always meant to be by whatever means she was delivered into my life and mine into hers, I can't imagine a more perfect fit. Today just as everyday she made me laugh and feel loved. I love you, Docken.
A year ago one journey ended and now another one begins. I happen to be sitting in the home where my life began and I'm happy here again.
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| Sunset with Docken, March 5, 2014 |
How incredibly beautiful and eloquently brilliant is all that emanates from your mind and heart. I've never before felt a thought like you.
ReplyDeleteToday, despite it's understandably mournful essence, proved absolute perfection; and with all of my heart I thank you for every beautiful moment. Yet tonight, there are no words to suffice you.
And now, after having read your most heavenly thoughts over and over and over again, I will do as you said. I'll now rest my head.
I love you, Eric. Perhaps more than you will ever know.
Yours. Forever and ever. ~ Docken